I died today. I tried… I just don’t know what to say. I just knew God chose her for me. I remember praying for God to send me a companion, I was alone for so long. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought to myself “what a beautiful woman”. We took things slow, we dated and I fell head over heals in love with her. We married on April 26 2003 and began a new life as one. She had a small boy and I had a small girl, we worked so well together. Time went by and we started to fight some. It was quite a shock, I came home to an empty house On June 6 2006. I suffered her leaving and then broke my foot. I was alone on my birthday and fathers day and then my grandfather passed away. My car broke down and my house was foreclosed…if was an awful time in my life. My spirit was truly broken and I turned to the Lord after trying it on my own and failing. After spending so much time with the Lord, I was humbled and filled with love. I shared the love with her for months, she came home about 3 months later…it was a good day.

We went to counseling, worked hard together and grew to love each other much more. So much more we both decided that we would never ever separate again so we planned to have a child together. On September 5 2007 we had a baby girl. She was a wonderful gift from God! What a great day!

June 6 2012, she left me again, I didn’t exactly beg her to stop. Alone again on my birthday and fathers day but this time I died. The moment was heated and we exchanged words that should have never been said. A little time passed and I apologized and asked her to come home, she refused. I gave her time, prayed and fasted non stop and tried to tell her we just don’t have biblical grounds for divorce. Some more time passed and she told me how she needed me back then and I told her I just never knew anything was wrong…she was broken inside and I did not know how to fix it. I put all my trust and faith in God and just knew He would bring her home and fix her…the Lord had other plans. At the attorney’s office when the printer was on the last page and would not print the form, I said: is this it God? When the lawyer said go home and wait before signing, I said: is this it God?  When he sat us next to each other, I said: is this it God?  When she spoke with me outside last night and seemed to get it, I said: is this it God?  I poured my heart out and begged her to come home…the Lord had other plans. She tells me she is is just too torn inside and can’t let go of anger and we cannot be as one anymore. I died today. I tried…

I did all I could, I prayed, I trusted, I followed His word so He must have a bigger plan. I don’t know what the plan is or where I will be tomorrow but I do know the Lord has never left me, when I cry, He is always there to comfort me, when all my hope has fled, He is there to lift me. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I am leaning on the Lord and trusting He has a bigger and better plan. I pledge my loyalty and my heart to the Lord, I pray He uses me. I debated whether or not to post this, it hurts so much and is so personal even though there is a mountain of stuff left out but I just want this day remembered so in the future when the Lord delivers me, I can look back and see that I did what the Lord led me to do.

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