Where are you God, I need you now more than ever?

When it really hits the fan and I pray, I fast and go to church and search for God and … no answer. When I am hurting and can’t take it and call out again: God, help me … small answer but the hurt still stabs like a spoon through my spleen … Where are you God, I need you now more than ever?

Yet they seek Me day by day and delight to know My ways, as a nation that has done righteousness and has not forsaken the ordinance of their God. They ask Me for just decisions, they delight in the nearness of God. ‘Why have we fasted and You do not see? Why have we humbled ourselves and You do not notice?’ Behold, on the day of your fast you find your desire… -Isaiah 58:2-3

I have had dry seasons where I went through the motions of seeking God and it seemed like He just would not come close to me, I have been praying for others that are going through similar situations. I think maybe God pulls away and even allows others who would normally comfort us, pull away. While the distance from the comfort seeked is a painful experience, perhaps the Lord is giving exactly what is needed and not wanted!

I get so caught up in me that I am just to full to have room for God.

I have had maybe 20 shows set to record on the DVR, I just couldn’t get enough Ice Road Truckers, The Deadliest Catch, America’s Got Talent, American Idol … I just have to work harder to get the money for better head gaskets to handle more boost on my mustang, I had to get those huge mud tires to go deeper in the mud and down the creek, I had to have some more fishing gear, I had to go to that race, I needed some time at the beach, I needed to go shooting… I I I!!! I was simply too full of these things to have room for God to come in. No wonder I can’t find God in prayer after watching three hours of television. I remember back in school when exams were coming up and I had to set everything aside and get somewhere quiet like the library and really hunker down and study? Maybe, just maybe all these things I thought God has blessed me with are really just distractions. God is blessing me by striping away all this stuff…(even that thing that hurts you so much right now), in order to get me to a place to let Him do the work that is so desperately needed.

Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled… -Matthew 5:6

What do I really hunger for? Is it that new thing? Is it for that person to stop treating me that way? Is it to remove that pain? There is nothing wrong with having my needs met, the problem is allowing the needs and the wants become a blur. What do I really need? I mean strip it all down, all of it! Water, food, shelter…life…God. I hear stories of missionaries coming back telling me of these extremely poor people that don’t have shoes, people that lose family members to starvation and the elements as often as I lose signal on my mobile phone. I hear these stories and the one thing that almost always follows up is how far these people walk bare footed to spend time together in worship to God, how much joy they have walking with the Lord and getting to know Him. If my car broke down on Sunday, would I walk to church? I am not trying to guilt anyone, just being real. Do we really seek God? How far are we willing to go to get close to Him?

I am going to admit something that hurts a lot to even think about. For several years, I had a single underling fear that I kept hidden in my heart and I tried to keep it hidden from God. I was afraid God would kill one of my family members to get my attention, I was so afraid that I did not allow myself to get close enough to Him to give Him the chance but I stayed just close enough to be fed for basic spiritual survival. I had all my needs cared for, I really didn’t need too much of Him anyway… boy was I stupid. After my distance from the Lord went for several years the longing to be with Him deep in my soul started to grab me, the hunger was growing, I had the thirst again… the fear gripped me again. I dropped to my knees and told God that I do not care what it takes, I need you Lord, I need you more than ever! I truly believe if I had the willpower and dedication to follow Him, I never would have went through the pain I experienced but I was just too full of everything to make room for Him. I lost the dearest thing I had on the planet and when the pain of it caught up to me, nothing else really mattered, I really didn’t need much at all other than God to come and allow me to heal in His glow, to grow in His presence. To follow in His steps.

The Lord is healing my pain, He is here and I have Him and know it and the urgent feeling of despair is now just a dull pain I can deal with. I am now at the end of the short story I wrote: The Darkness of Light. Now, what do I do? I dropped cable TV, I parked the truck in the garage, I dropped the internet to a 1 meg connection, I drop to my knees and pray for the first and last thing I do each day, I ask that the Lord will allow me to see people as He does, I ask that the Lord will use me. I pray each day for others hurting, I go to church on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I put all the Hot-Rod magazines away and dusted off the Christian books I had … I read my bible. That thing that hurts me so much is not restored but hope is on the horizon, I am more responsible with what the Lord has given me; I have more money now yet make less, I spend more quality time with my kids, I spend time with other people and genuinely care about them, I am losing weight fast, my body is being restored, I look forward to each day instead of regretting it. I have hope, I have what I need and more. This walk is not an easy one and I really have to try so I am constantly praying for strength and wisdom and guess what? I still screw it up at times! I run to the Lord and ask Him to forgive me and not leave me and He holds me up.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me but I do know one thing. God is here and is with me and I have what I really need. I am going to work hard to keep it. I love you Jesus, I love you first Lord and want you to lead my life. I trust you my King and my life is yours to do with as you see fit. I see you God and need you more than ever.

The Darkness of light.

How dark does the black need to be before the blindness of the day’s light fades and I open my eyes? I walk each day into the next, oblivious to life…one step closer to death. Only in the deepest of sorrow and pain is hope found… is hope sought. How long will my cries go unanswered… unheard? Deep in this pit of despair I long to taste the sweet relief, deep in this pit I drift in thoughts of the final chapter. My thoughts, my hopes, my will… fade to black. The pain is all I know now, it is an old friend long forgotten. My friend whispers such sour nothings into my mind. Darkness engulfs me, stealing my words, my thoughts, my desire for the light. I want to remember the light but my minds eye is blinded by the pain.

The blindness fades, my eyes adjust and in this darkness I can see. I see what should have been… what could have been. I see how blind I was, walking in the light. I see the neglect I have shown to the one who comforts me, the one who is always there waiting on me to open my eyes. Now in absolute darkness, I see the light hidden from me by the day. The light once dwarfed by the bustle. The sounds of television, the noise of the headlines, the bills, the cars, the sex…all left behind the veil of darkness. The glimmer of hope is in my horizon, the candle flickers…it seems so delicate and exposed. I feel the pull from the other side as the pain subsides but the comforter clings to me, pulls me into His bosom. My pain is calmed by His embrace and my heart already begins to cheat…my eyes are closing as each agony is lifted. He knows I will cheat, He knows I will forget…He hugs me tightly and wipes the tears. In his arms, I am at peace. In His arms, my eyes begin to close… I awake with the memory so fresh in my mind as I walk into the light. The sun so bright, the day so short…on this day in the darkness of light, my vision will fade. I walk each day into the next, oblivious to life.

When you want to give up

When it hurts so badly you just want to throw your hands up… WAIT! Give God a chance, his grace goes beyond our understanding and his mercy is waiting on you right now! I know you may feel like your in the bottom of a hole all alone but God is right there beside you. He has given us so many assurances of his love, understanding and peace in the bible. Listed below are just a few of the passages that will lift your spirit and ignite a powerful beam of light that will cut through the darkness.

When you get sad Jesus says in John 14:

 1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2 In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

When you have sinned let your heart pour out to God like David did in Psalm 51(The Message):

 1-3 Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
   Scrub away my guilt,
      soak out my sins in your laundry.
   I know how bad I’ve been;
      my sins are staring me down.

 4-6 You’re the One I’ve violated, and you’ve seen
      it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
   You have all the facts before you;
      whatever you decide about me is fair.
   I’ve been out of step with you for a long time,
      in the wrong since before I was born.
   What you’re after is truth from the inside out.
      Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life. Continue reading “When you want to give up”